


Embracing the darkness

by sarcasticmama



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2488331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticmama/pseuds/sarcasticmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killian prepares himself to tell Emma the truth about what has occurred with the Dark One; the consequences of which will be that he loses Emma forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Embracing the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I swore that I would wait to at least partially beta this, but I can't help it. I haven't been able to get time to write a fic to completion in months and I just couldn't wait.  
> Any and all mistakes are mine. Feedback is always appreciated.   
> On tumblr at sleepymomma918

Killian stood next to the bench in the park, absently fiddling with his hook, clicking it back and forth in his brace as he stared off into the pond, his mood as dark as the murky water before him. He hadn’t slept in days. Worry, fear, and ultimately resignation of the pain to come had kept him up most nights for the past week. When he did sleep, he was plagued with nightmares replaying what he had witnessed the Dark One do, and the look on Emma’s face when she ultimately would discover what he had done. Worse yet was the recent thought of what could happen to her if he didn’t tell her. Didn’t warn her. 

He hadn’t missed the look that had passed between the Snow Queen and Gold when her attack on Emma in the middle of main street yesterday morning had failed. The only reason that Gold had even interfered at all was because the attack had occurred less than 50 feet from the library, and Belle had been present, urging him to do something to help Emma.

But Hook had caught the silent exchange between the villains, one that had spoken volumes. Gold knew the Snow Queen, and what was more, he knew the reason she was after Emma. When he had confronted Gold later, the imp had merely sneered and said that no one would believe him, but he had admitted freely that he had hoped to make his next acquisition of magic for the hat soon, and that he expected Killian to continue to assist him or he would show Emma the tape. When he had resisted, Gold had insinuated that the Snow Queen would make a wonderful acquisition to the hat but if Killian pressed him, the Savior would do just as nicely. The threat had made Killians blood run cold, and he hadn't been able to close his eyes since. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed Emma’s arrival. 

That was how she found him, staring silently at the ponds surface as though it held the answers to the worlds problems, and he was once again toying with his hook. She had noticed him doing it a lot this week, ever since he had reappeared in the sheriff's station with his hook in place of his hand with a distracted air about him. She had originally taken it as disappointment that the hand was gone, and she didn’t want to push him to open up to her before he was ready, but his mood seemed to linger, and she wasn’t entirely sure what to say or do for him. She had never minded the hook, not really, she had just always taken it as a part of him, but she didn’t know how to convey that to him. He had obviously been quite happy when the hand; his hand, had been reattached. She simply wasn’t sure what to say in the face of the disappointment he must have been feeling.

She stood to the side, silently watching him. It wasn’t often that she got to do so when he was unaware. So often he seemed to be so attuned to her presence that he was watching her before she noticed him, so she took the rare opportunity to study him. 

As she watched, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply, absently rubbing at the furrow between his brows. It was then that she truly began to take notice of his appearance. His hair was often unruly, but it always looked purposeful done, and usually made her want to run her hands through it to see if it was as soft as it looked. Today, it simply looked disheveled, as though he had been pulling at it in frustration. It wasn’t like him, and she furrowed her brow in concern. It had admittedly been a rough week for them all, leaving little time for rest. The Snow Queen’s presence was being everywhere as sightings of her all over the town had their little team racing, dodging attack after attack when they did catch up with her. But Killian looked especially weary today. There were dark circles beneath his eyes that she had not seen on him before, and she had noticed the usual enthusiasm and sense of optimism that she found herself expecting in his presence was missing from the man before her. 

They had yet to make plans for their next date, and it had been there at the back of her mind more often than she would like to admit, especially as she lay in bed at night reliving their most recent goodnight kiss. There hadn’t been time this week for any quiet moments. They were too busy running or dodging weird snow monsters, and she found herself longing for more than just a few stolen moments. She actually found herself daydreaming during her day when she was supposed to be writing reports, about what she might do with a few stolen hours should she ever get the time, and she could feel the blush rising to her cheeks at the thoughts that ran through her mind. 

She hadn’t moved from her spot, or made a sound, but he turned towards her abruptly as though he had heard her thoughts out loud, but instead of the cocksure grin she was expecting, his smile was at once both small and sad. 

“Swan,” he said softly, but he made no move to come closer, merely watched her with an expression on his face that she couldn’t place, but one that managed to send a small frisson of unease across her skin. 

He blinked and looked back down at his hook, “Thank you for coming to meet me here.” 

Emma decided to shrug off the unease and walked closer to where he stood, taking his hand and interlacing their fingers. She had been less reluctant in recent days to take the initiative and touch him, an act that usually made him grin, but today he gave no outward response except to stare at their entwined fingers.

“Did you bring me all the way out here to discuss our lack of quiet moments lately? Cause we could have done that over a stack of pancakes at Granny’s,” she quipped hoping to bring a smile to his face, but he kept his eyes downcast, appearing to be mesmerized by her thumb brushing over his knuckles. 

He closed his eyes again, as if in pain, and took a deep steadying breath before daring to look up at her. 

“I need to tell you something,” he began, his words faltering momentarily as his gaze met hers. “Its important, but before I tell you, I need to ask you for two favors.” His eyes dropped back down to their hands, as though he couldn’t bear to look at her. “I have to tell you something that I’ve done, and its important that you know everything. I need you to promise me that you will sit here and listen to everything I say to you, no matter how unpleasant. I need you to hear me until the end.” 

Emma nodded, but he still wasn’t looking at her. She lifted her right hand and placed it on his cheek, smoothing her fingers over the rough stubble there, wanting to soothe the pain that she saw there and tilted his face until he met her gaze. “Killian,” she whispered softly, “Hey, I’m listening.”

He started to raised his hook as though he were going to touch her, but with a quick frown he lowered it back to his side. “Swear to me,” he said, his voice gruff with emotion. She nodded again but he persisted. “Swear to me on Henry’s life that you will stay until you hear everything I have to say.”

Taken aback at the seriousness of his tone, the unease that she felt earlier returned and the smile she had on her face faded away. She swallowed hard and nodded, “I swear on Henry, that I will stay and hear you out.” 

She waited for him to speak, but he merely stared at her face, and she could feel the heat in her cheeks spread under his intense scrutiny. She wet her lips, which immediately caught and held his gaze. She took in a breath, forcing herself to remember what she had wanted to ask next before she got distracted. “What was the second thing you wanted,” she asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer.

His eyes flicked back up to hers and she had to take in another breath at the depth of emotion that she saw in his face. Torment and anguish, the likes of which she hadn’t seen in his eyes before stared back at her.

He stepped in closer, pulling his fingers from her grasp and he cupped her face in his palm, gently bringing her towards him. He leaned in close until his lips were a hairs breadth away from hers, and her eyes had nearly fluttered closed before he murmured, “Indulge me, please,” and then even quieter almost to himself, “just one last time.” 

Before she could even begin to question what she had heard him say, his lips captured hers and she wrapped her arms around his waist holding on for dear life as he plundered her mouth with his. His lips slanted against hers with a possessiveness that she had never felt from him. Her last coherent thought was, “He’s been holding back,” before she lost all sense of everything and simply tried to keep up.

His hand moved into her hair at the back of her neck, desperate to hold her even closer. He was awash in sensations, trying not to think, only feel, and memorize every breath, every taste, the exact feel of her body against his. He was being driven mad with the thoughts echoing with every heartbeat that he couldn’t escape; that this would be the last time that he would be able to freely touch her, and after he spoke, she would never want anything to do with him again. All he wanted to do was brand the feeling of her onto his skin. He never wanted to forget the way her lips felt, or how she fit in his arms, for as long as he lived. 

Reluctantly he slowed the kiss, allowing himself the simple pleasure of brushing his lips against hers, once and then twice more. A gesture meant to convey tenderness, and if he was honest with himself, goodbye. 

She leaned against him, their foreheads pressed together as she tried to collect her thoughts. Kissing Killian had always been an experience, one that she often needed a few moments to recover from, but this one; this one had her thoughts spinning a mile a minute. It had felt different to her, and she was struggling with her ability to focus on anything other than the tingling sensation in her lips to understand why it had felt so different. 

Killian took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was to come and stepped away from her completely, gesturing towards the bench with his good hand and taking another step back as she slowly lowered herself to the wooden seat.

“Killian, you are starting to scare me. Are you alright?” She reached out to grasp his hand but he moved even further away from her,something she had never seen him do in all the years she has known him. The action stunned her so much that she didn’t lower her hand right away, just stared at him, a bewildered look upon her face.

He cleared his throat hard before speaking, emotions making the words reluctant to come out, “My apologies love,” he said as she lowered her hand back to her lap, “but I’m not sure that I could get this story out if you were touching me just now.”

“In order to tell the tale properly, I have to go back a bit to when it began, when Elsa first came to storybrooke. When you were first trying to help her find her sister, and we went to Gold’s shop to ask how she came to be in his vault. When you asked Gold for proof, and he readily agreed to let Belle use the dagger on him, I became suspicious. I’ve known the crocodile a long while and to see him so readily give up control, no to even suggest it, I began to believe that he wasn’t being completely truthful with us.” 

“When you asked me later to take Elsa to keep her safe, we went instead to Gold’s shop. I asked Elsa to give me a minute to speak with him privately, and-” he stopped and took a deep breath before continuing, “I told him that I knew that he had given Belle a fake dagger, and I threatened to tell her the truth if he didn’t help us find whoever had cursed Marion.” 

“You tried to blackmail the Dark One,” Emma asked incredulously and her mouth fell open at Killians nod in response. 

“That time-” he began but broke off as Emma quickly rose to her feet.

“That time, you mean you did it again?”

“Swan, please, allow me to finish. When I was able to threaten Gold the first time, I didn’t have any intention to do it again,” he hesitated, “at least I thought I didn’t. But when you asked me out for our date, I realized that there was something I wanted that only Gold could give me, and I wouldn’t get it through a deal.”

“Your hand,” Emma said woodenly. “Gold didn’t just restore your hand because he had changed.”

“No,” killian said, shame evident in his voice. “When I went to him, I told him,” and he paused to clear his throat, “I told him that I wanted to be able to hold you with both hands. I wanted to be whole again for you.” 

“Killian, hand or hook, none of that matters to me, you know that right?”

“Aye Swan, but it mattered to me,” he said his voice tinged with sadness. He stared down at his hook, twisting it again in his brace as he continued the story. “I told Gold that if he didn’t restore my hand that I would go to Belle and tell her the truth about the dagger.”

“I bet that went over really well, you threatening his new marriage.” 

“You are more astute than I was I fear. He agreed to reattach it, but it came with a warning. He told me that reattaching my hand would bring out the worst in me. That it belonged to a different man than I am today, a cunning selfish pirate, and that it could and would influence me to be different than the man I am now; the man I was trying to be.” 

“What happened,” she prompted when he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. 

“I thought it was going well, and for once I had everything that I wanted. But when that man spilled a drink on you, I suddenly found myself ready to pummel him for even interrupting our date. I didn’t feel like myself. I was quick to temper, and ready and willing to fight at the slightest provoking. A true pirate through and through,” he murmured quietly. 

“I thought the rest of our date went really well,” she said softly.

“That it did love, but the fear was there for me. Every time I touched you, or did anything with that hand, all I could do was wonder if it indeed had taken a hold of me somehow. I thought I had proof of it after I had seen you home, and I was returning to Granny’s for the evening. I came across the thief who had interrupted our date. He was trying to pick the lock on the library. At first I merely told him that there was nothing worth stealing inside, and urged him to go home, but when he wouldn’t listen and continued to pick the lock, I suddenly found myself hitting him.” 

Emma sat up straighter in her seat, watching him. 

“I was the one who had assaulted him, and when I realized what I was doing, I threatened him to keep him quiet. I was sure that the hand was indeed affecting me, and I returned to wait for Gold at his shop to insist that he remove it, and threatened once again to tell Belle the truth if he didn’t. But he had foreseen this development and wanting to remove any further threat from me, he had switched the daggers back. Which left me with the only option of making a true deal with him in order to remove the hand. He would grant me the deal, but wouldn’t specify the terms, so I initially refused. I thought perhaps I could learn to fight its control, or find another way to remove it myself. For a moment I considered finding a way to cut it off myself, I so wanted the damn thing gone. I didn’t want anything to stand in the way of my possibility at happiness. But Gold said that his magic had attached it, and only his magic could remove it. I was angry and suddenly found myself striking him in the heart with the very hook that he held out in front of me.” 

“What?” Emma all but shouted. 

“It was as though I was in a fog. I didn’t even remember doing it, couldn’t even think of where I had wanted to do it, and I was horrified. Gold merely shrugged, unaffected by it, but he told me that I was obviously losing control of myself, and that he hoped that I would come to my senses and make a deal with him before I hurt someone else who wouldn’t be as easily protected.” 

“So you agreed,” Emma said her voice quiet once more.

“Aye, I agreed to do whatever it took to rid myself of that cursed hand. I was to meet him the next morning at the docks, and complete our deal then. I couldn’t go back to the inn that night. I was too afraid of something happening. Instead of lazing in bed thinking over our date and how beautiful you looked, I slept on a picnic table awaiting my fate. It seems that I forgot that all magic comes with a price.” 

“What did Gold have you do?”

Killian sighed, knowing that he was quickly closing in on the point of no return. “He met me at the docks and magiced a broom to lead us to the house of someone who he said had wronged him long ago. An older man opened the door, I had never seen him in storybrooke before, but he obviously knew Gold, and he was afraid of him. Gold told me to sit the man into a seat, and god help me, I did.”

Killian turned to look at Emma then, and began to speak even more rapidly than before. “Gold took out a small box covered with gems of some sort and placed it on the ground. He then used his dagger,” he said with a wry shake of his head, “to open the box, and it turned into a bluish sort of hat, the likes of which I have never seen. The man told Gold that he would never locate enough magic in order to properly charge the hat, but Gold all but laughed at him and told him that it didn’t matter as he wouldn’t be around to see it.” 

Killian swallowed visibly, and continued his tale, pacing back and forth in front of the bench as he did. “Gold tipped the hat towards the man, and he….sucked him into the hat. It seems that the hat can absorb both the magical abilities and the magician into the hat. and when he had the hat glowed brighter. From what Gold has let slip, he intends to charge the hat fully and once charged it would allow him to retain his powers and free himself from the magic of the dagger. 

Disgust evident in his voice, Killian all but spat out the words. “He killed that man, and not only did I do nothing, I assisted him in doing it.” 

“When we returned to the shop, I insisted that Gold take the hand back, which he did returning my hook in its place. I assumed that our deal was now complete and told him so, but he simply laughed. He had a device, a security video from the house we had just been to, and he told me that unless I continued to help him and keep quiet about his activities that he would show you the tape, revealing my part in the days efforts. He did something to it, and said that it would no longer show him on there, only me. I told him that I wouldn’t do it, and that I would tell Belle of his lies about the dagger, since I had just seen him use it, but he swore that if I told Belle he would show you the tape, ensuring that if I threatened his love, he would see that I lost mine.” 

Emma stared down at her hands, unwilling or unable to look up at him, and Killian nodded to himself, the damage was now done. “Gold wanted to ensure that you didn’t know about the hat, and god help me, but I considered keeping the secret from you. But if I learned anything from Zelena’s curse, its that the truth always comes out, and I thought it would be best if I were the one to do it, rather than give Gold the power to hurt you further.”

“Is that all,” Emma asked without looking up, her voice wavering in anger.

Killian shook his head, “No, there is more. I realized yesterday when the Snow Queen attacked in town that Gold knew her. I think he only aided you in stopping her because he was protecting his secret from Belle. They shared a look, and I confronted him about it later.”

Emma stood suddenly, her face a mask of fury, “You confronted him again? Are you crazy?”

“If there stood a chance that he might know more about the Snow Queen I had to ask,” Killian answered, his tone matching hers. “Gold has plans to use me to get to Elsa and suck her magic into the hat. When I told him that I wouldn’t do it, he threatened you. He said that he would get the hat charged and he didn’t care who ended up inside of it, and he insinuated that it would either be you or her. And I will not allow that to happen,” he promised. 

Killian turned away abruptly from Emma, looking out over the dark waters of the pond. “Now that you know the truth you can better equip yourself and your family, to protect yourselves and the young Queen,” he said without looking at her.

“And you,” Emma asked, “what about what Gold will do to you.” 

His head dropped down and he spoke quieter now. “His leverage over me is gone, and I’ll not threaten his Belle again, so its unlikely that he will do anything further. “There is nothing else that he could do to me in any case that is any worse than what I have already done to myself.” 

“Look at me,” she demanded, but he didn’t move, so she grabbed his arm and tried to turn him to face her.

“Don’t,” he muttered, the anguish in his voice almost tangible. “I know that you are going to walk away from me, but for gods sake, don’t make me watch you do it.” His eyes shone with unshed tears and he clenched his jaw tightly trying to prevent them from falling in front of her.” I am going to have to live the rest of my miserable life reliving this foolish mistake, knowing exactly what it has cost me, but don’t make me have to relive the sight of you walking from me.” He shook his head and closed his eyes as he muttered, “I’m not strong enough to live through that and not try to stop you. Not beg you to forgive me. Not to tell you that I lov-”, but she grabbed his coat collar and hauled him towards her as she all but growled the words, “Shut up,” and then she was kissing him. 

She tried to pour her feelings into the the kiss that his words had stirred in her, words that she had never wanted to echo back before now. Pressing her lips against his, she tried to calm and soothe them both.

His lips were still beneath hers for a half a moment, and then he was angling his head cupping the back of her head trying to pull her even closer as the kiss grew heated, and passionate with a hint of desperation. They slowed, each of their fingers tangled in the others hair, chests heaving as they struggled to catch their breath, but their lips still only a fraction away from one another. Killian pulled back a little farther, eyes still closed, as he whispered, “What was that”?

“A reminder of why this was never going to be just a one time thing,” she whispered. “I’m just not sure exactly who needed it more just now.”

He opened his eyes at her words, staring at her wordlessly, shock evident at her words, unwilling to hope.

When he said nothing, she shook her head and cupped his face in her hands. “You really thought that I would just walk away from you? From this,” she said her voice soft and she stroked his cheek with her thumb. 

Reflexively he brought his right hand up to cover her hand, and turning his face into her palm he let out a shuddering breath. He had to close his eyes against the hope that coursed through him at her words. 

“Tell me this,” she asked, “when you went to that house with Gold, did you know what he was going to do?”

Wordlessly he shook his head no, still cradling her palm against his face. 

“Would you have gone with him if you had known?” she continued.

He hesitated, then regretfully admitted, “I don’t know. I felt as though I was losing control, and I was afraid,” he said his voice lowering to a whisper. “I was afraid that if I didn’t rid myself of it that I would do something unforgivable, only this time maybe to a friend, or-” he said lifting his gaze to her face, “a loved one.” 

“I’m glad that you told me”, she said quietly, “but I am mad at you,” she said as she held onto him, shaking him slightly in reprehension. “What were you thinking trying to blackmail him of all people?”

His shoulders slumped visibly at her words. “Its like Gold said,” he muttered looking down at the hook on his arm, “the hand wasn’t cursed, it was me all along. I am nothing more than a ruthless pirate.”

Emma dropped a hand from his face and grabbed hold of his hook, bringing it up between them, cradling it against her chest. “You don’t really believe that do you?” she asked. “You think that a ruthless pirate would have given up his revenge to come with me to neverland to save my son? Would have found a way to cross realms, or more to the point, given up what I know you did in order to get to me,” she said, her voice soft. 

He continued to say nothing, staring at her face, an expression of longing and sadness etched in his features. 

“I don’t trust Gold, I never have, but you, Killian….you have earned my trust again and again. And I believe you when you say that you didn’t know what Gold would do. And I believe that you made a deal with him to get the hand off again because you believed that it was cursed.” 

“It wasn’t cursed though”, Killian said with a sigh. “All that I did, threatening that man, assaulting him later, even stabbing Gold…..that was all me, and the darkness that resides within me. You are the Savior, Swan. Someone whose very existence is full of light and light magic.” He lowered his gaze to the ground, dropping his hand away from hers and took a step back from her. He visibly clenched his jaw as if his words were physically paining him. “You shouldn’t be with someone who is still capable of darkness.” 

“Is that how you really see yourself? How you see me? Just light and dark and nothing in between?” She tightened her grip on his hook, pulling him back towards her as she spoke. “You really think that all that I am is goodness and light? You of all people should know me better than that. I’m not all goodness and light, just as I don’t think you are only dark like a villain. There’s more to people than light and dark. Well I say people. I’m thinking Gold only has one shade and none of them are gray.” 

His mouth turned up into a small scoffing grin at the annoyance in her voice, and marveled at the fact he could find even a shred of joy in what he had thought would have been forever marked as one of the worst days of his life.

Noticing the grin, she too smiled, and stepped closer, sliding her arms up his chest and around his neck, hugging him to her. 

His arms came up automatically around her waist, pulling her close.

“I believe that the choices we make, and why we make them are important,” she continued as she held him, giving into the urge she had felt earlier and running her fingers through his hair. As she did, she felt him shudder against her. 

“In case you aren’t getting the message through that thick pirate skull of yours”, she murmured into his ear, “this is me choosing you,” she said as she held him tight. 

She felt him burrow his head into her neck and sighed deeply as he tightened his embrace. 

She pulled back just enough so that she could see his face, and grinned at him as she used the tip of her index finger to trace a line down the front of his buttoned shirt and back again, reaching for the charm he still wore around his neck and giving it a gentle tug. “Maybe I like the darkness I sometimes see in you, did you ever consider that? I’m not looking for a knight on a white horse Killian. Maybe I’m just looking for someone who see’s me as more than a princess or a savior.” 

Killian smiled at that, his first real genuine smile that she had seen in days, and she couldn’t help but smile in return. His heart felt lighter than it had since he had first seen her dressed up for their date. “What do we do now,” he asked, unsure of his course for the first time in more than a week. 

“Well, we still have a Snow Queen to track down and somehow neutralize. We need to protect you from further retribution from Gold, and make sure that he can’t get his hand on Elsa.” She pulled herself away from Killians embrace and linked her hand in his. “But for right now, I want to take a quiet moment with you, somewhere a little more private.” She cocked her head at him and gave him a flirtatious smile, “got any ideas?”

Killian smiled brightly down at her as he followed her lead back to town, pulling her against his side, and wrapping his arm around her waist. “That I do love,” he said as he placed a quick kiss against her temple, “that I do.”


End file.
